A Public Service Announcement*
Don't let one fly without knowing the how and why! See who, what, when and where by reading these insightful definitions:
* Special thanks to Eric Borgos for this data. Visit his website at: FARTS.edu.
Gaseous Offendus!
NOTE TO ALL USERS:
All farts are divided into two groups:
1. Your Farts
2. Somebody Else's Farts
THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and
not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?
THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost
any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound.
It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators
and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. A student recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on
the heavy side. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
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